School Struggles
School has always been one of the biggest pressure points for us with Smiler. Looking back, I can see how many signs we missed, simply because they were woven into our family life. In this post, I want to share some of the challenges we’ve faced with schoolwork, the strategies that (sometimes!) help, and what hindsight has taught us along the way.
Flying Under the Radar
Looking back, I realise Smiler really flew under the radar at school. He wasn’t excelling in any particular area, but he also wasn’t falling behind enough to raise concerns. To teachers, he just looked like a very typical student who was “getting by”. For us, as first-time parents, it was almost impossible to know what was typical and what wasn’t.
Scaffolding Without Realising It
One of the biggest lightbulb moments for me, with hindsight, is realising how much scaffolding we’ve always done without even knowing it. Back when Smiler was in primary school, either my husband or I would always sit down with Smiler to do his homework - we thought that was just what supportive parenting looked like. It wasn’t until our younger, neurotypical daughter started happily doing her homework by herself at quite a young age that we realised, oh!, not every child needs this level of support.
Fast-forward to today, and at 14, we’re still heavily involved. Just last weekend, at 8pm on Sunday night, Smiler suddenly remembered he had an important task due for Monday morning. Cue my husband and I abandoning our relaxed evening plans to help him pull it together. In the moment, frustration is the easiest emotion - why didn’t he plan ahead, why did he spend the weekend prioritising sport instead? But the truth is, he really does want to do well at school, and the challenges with executive function mean it’s genuinely hard for him to remember and prioritise, not that he doesn’t care.
Unlearning What “Worked for Me”
This has been a big shift in mindset for me personally. As a child, I was always the type to set aside time for homework or revision - that methodical approach worked perfectly for me. But it doesn’t work for Smiler. Getting angry when things don’t go to plan is easy. Remembering that my child’s brain works differently is harder. But it’s part of learning how to parent Smiler in the way he needs, and is the shift that makes the hard moments a little easier to get through.
The Growing Mountain of Expectations
As exams creep closer, the mountain of schoolwork is rapidly growing. For Smiler, it’s overwhelming to juggle so many bits of revision and coursework at once. And for us as parents, it’s another layer on top of everything else daily life demands.
We’re finding small strategies that help, though:
Paying him to study: Yes, we’ve resorted to bribery! Smiler is currently saving up for new trainers, and the effort–reward link seems to get him over the hurdle of actually sitting down to work. Whether my bank balance can keep up remains to be seen!
Tutors: We’re very lucky to have brilliant tutors in Maths, English, and Music, who turn learning into games and challenges. Smiler thrives when a task is framed as a competition or a puzzle to solve.
Music: He always studies with earbuds in. For me, music while working would be counterintuitive, but for Smiler it seems to ground his attention and actually helps him focus.
ADHD, Dyslexia, or both?
There’s another bit of hindsight I keep circling back to - Smiler’s relationship with reading and comprehension. Even in primary school, reading was a battle, and I often “helped” by reading his school books to him, just to get through it. At the time, I didn’t see that as a red flag.
Now, Smiler refuses to read altogether. Not because he can’t - he’s perfectly capable - but because he struggles to absorb the words. He’ll read the same sentence over and over, and nothing sticks - he talks about it taking forever to get to the end of a page, and not being able to remember what he has read. For years, I assumed this was down to ADHD and focus, but I now wonder if dyslexia or a processing difficulty might also be part of the picture.
We’re considering further assessment - a diagnosis may not change the support Smiler already has in place (like extra time in exams), but if it gives him more understanding of why reading feels so hard, that awareness alone could be valuable. Just like with ADHD, naming the struggle can lift the weight of blame and comparison.
Reflection
If there’s one thing hindsight has taught me, it’s how easy it is to miss the signs when a child is “just getting by”. We were scaffolding Smiler all along, but we didn’t see it because it had become our normal.
I’ve also learned that parenting a child with ADHD means throwing out the rulebook of “what worked for me” and instead finding what works for them. It’s frustrating, exhausting, and sometimes leaves me feeling like I could laugh or cry, but it’s also teaching us patience, flexibility, and a deeper kind of compassion.