Beyond the Textbook
In my first post, I shared some of our early experiences of raising Smiler and how ADHD first appeared in his childhood.
As he’s grown, we’ve become more aware of the subtler aspects of ADHD - the symptoms that aren’t always obvious but have a profound effect on his daily life.
In this post, I want to explore not only the “classic” symptoms of ADHD, but also the lesser-known symptoms that shape Smiler’s experiences and continue to influence how he navigates the world.
The Stigma of ADHD and Misunderstood Symptoms
One of the hardest things about ADHD for us, has been how little people really understand it. Most people only seem to know about the “classic” symptoms - being forgetful, disorganised, or hyper. That’s the version of ADHD that gets talked about the most. But in our experience with Smiler, there’s so much more to it than that.
When his behaviour doesn’t match the picture of ADHD that people already have in their heads, it’s easy for them to assume he’s just being lazy, difficult, or overly emotional.
At times I’ve seen that look from other parents, as though they’re quietly wondering why he can’t just manage things the way other kids do.
That lack of understanding can leave you feeling quite isolated as a family. It’s one of the reasons I wanted to write this post. ADHD isn’t just about losing things or fidgeting - it’s about the less obvious parts too, like emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity, anxiety, and stimming. Those have had as much of an impact on Smiler’s life as the “classic” symptoms, if not more. By sharing some of these experiences, I’m hoping to give a fuller picture of what ADHD can really look like.
Exploring the “Classic” Symptoms
Forgetfulness is more than Smiler occasionally forgetting his wallet (though he does do that too!). It’s leaving anything that isn’t physically attached to his body behind, on a very regular basis! Expensive things like mobile phones, new jackets or keys. I see other parents raise their eyebrows at us now that he’s 14, when we’re still double-checking his bag, or asking if he’s got all his kit. The assumption seems to be that we’re “doing too much” for him, and that he should be able to manage independently. But the truth is, he still needs this scaffolding. We know how much he beats himself up each time he loses something, and we are ready to support him as long as he needs it.
The disorganisation is not just forgetting an appointment - it’s waking up every morning knowing he has to get his schoolwork and kit in his bag, and being completely frozen by it. We still lay out his school uniform and review his timetable with him each morning. This is a boy preparing for exams, and yet he still needs the same morning support as a much younger child. That’s not laziness or immaturity - it’s ADHD, and we will scaffold him for as long as he needs it.
Diving Deeper
For us, the main ADHD symptoms that cause Smiler the most distress are emotional dysregulation and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). They aren’t in the neat, textbook definition of ADHD, but they shape so much of Smiler’s world.
I touched on emotional dysregulation in my last post - the famous bath-time flood - and for Smiler, it’s something that can come from a place of happiness as well as anger or upset. In the case of the flood, it stemmed from pure excitement - Smiler was having so much fun that he just went a little too far. This was also true of birthday parties in his childhood, where excitement would completely take over. Even as a teenager, Smiler’s emotional dysregulation can show up in moments of sheer joy - I’ll never forget one evening when watching a football match together, his team scored a last-minute goal, and in an instant, the excitement overflowed. The next thing we knew, shards of broken glass were raining down over us! In his exhilaration, Smiler had thrown a cushion so high and forcefully that it smashed the lightbulb above us - this perfectly captured how his emotions can take over completely, even in the happiest of moments.
But sometimes, emotional dysregulation comes from anger or upset. Smiler can go from 0–60 in less than a second. I remember one incident when he was around eight - he was invited to a sleepover, he became unwell, and my husband had to collect him and bring him home. What followed was a nightmarish car journey, due to Smiler’s anger at having to leave - refusing his seatbelt, threatening to jump out of the moving car, bolting down the street when they arrived home, all followed by hours of extreme upset at home.
Situations that other children would handle with ease could become huge ordeals for us - Smiler’s reactions often come from his nervous system being overwhelmed, and when things don’t go to plan, or when his emotions run too high, his brain doesn’t have the same filters that might help another child to pause or take a breath before responding. Instead, it comes out instantly and intensely.
We often walked on eggshells or chose our moments carefully, knowing overwhelm could be around the corner. Even today, his loud reactions make me worry about what the neighbours think.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria was something I had never heard of before we started researching ADHD. ADHD children can experience far more negative feedback, criticism and exclusion in childhood, from parents, teachers, and peers, leading to a heightened sense of rejection at every turn. Over time, this can build a kind of wariness, leading to a deep-seated expectation that they will be criticised, let down or left out again, which can really affect self-esteem.
For Smiler, this sometimes shows up in the way he interprets social situations. If friends mention they have plans, he can quickly become mistrustful, convinced they’re deliberately meeting up without him. His past experiences of being excluded have left their mark, so even innocent situations can feel like rejection. It’s heartbreaking to see how much he carries situations from the past.
We can’t always protect him from these feelings, but we try to help him process them. I often reflect on how my calls for him to “keep calm” or “take it down a notch” when he was feeling overwhelmed may have inadvertently reinforced some of his feeling, and now I try to respond much more gently.
Anxiety and Coping
Anxiety commonly co-exists with ADHD, and Smiler has had a few brushes with anxiety since becoming a teenager. He went through a period of about 18 months where he was very low, often coming home from school in tears. During this period, he developed a few vocal tics, which was quite distressing for us as parents to observe. Our doctor assured us tics are common with anxiety, and to try not to draw attention to them - and they did disappear over time. Spending quality family time together helped ease Smiler out of the unhappiness, and we were thankful that the anxiety didn’t seem to develop further.
Anxiety is something that parents of ADHD kids can experience too, and I will explore that in another post.
Lastly, I want to talk about stimming. For a long time, I thought stimming (repetitive movements or sounds that people use to regulate their emotions, manage sensory input, or express themselves) was only associated with autism, so it surprised me to learn that it’s common in ADHD too. Stimming in ADHD often happens as a way to release extra energy, manage emotions, or help with focus. Smiler has had a few specific stims since toddlerhood, and watching him immerse himself in these little routines is quite lovely. It seems to transport him away from his struggles, and watching him in this happy place always makes me smile.