When Your Child with ADHD Is Always Left Out

One thing I've found really difficult over the years has been Smiler’s friendships.

Smiler has had the same friendship group since he started primary school at five years old, but if I'm honest, friendships have consistently been one of the biggest challenges he's faced.

When he was little, it was other kids leaving him out in the playground.

Then it progressed to birthday parties.

Some of those parties really hurt because he was always the only one left out of a close-knit group of six boys. I used to find it especially difficult, because at that age, I felt the parents could shape how inclusive their children were being, and by choosing not to include Smiler, it was a pretty bold statement for both their child and Smiler to receive. Most of those parents were our friends too (or certainly friends in the sense that our children were the thing we all had in common) and it felt like a real betrayal that they were content in leaving our child out. Some of the excuses they made were mind-boggling!

So it really was a very painful time, and because this was many years before Smiler received his ADHD diagnosis, we simply didn’t have the understanding or the language as to why things were proving to be so difficult.

Now that the boys are older, it’s a different kettle of fish.

Some of the boys are closer to seventeen than sixteen now, and they're certainly old enough to make up their own minds about who they want to spend time with. I wouldn't expect parents to tell their teenage children who they should be friends with.

But it's still incredibly difficult to watch the way they treat our son.

These days it isn't birthday parties - it's group chats.

Like most teenagers, they're constantly in touch online, but over the summer holidays Smiler has hardly heard from the friendship group at all. It's become pretty obvious that they've set up another group chat without him.

The day they got their exam results was probably the time it hit Smiler most.

It was such a big day for all of them, and of course there would have been hundreds of messages flying backwards and forwards between them all.

But Smiler wasn't part of any of it.

Two or three of the boys messaged him privately to ask how he'd got on. It made me realise that there are boys in the group who notice he's being left out and who do care about him.

But that almost makes it harder… I don't actually think all of the boys in the group wants to exclude Smiler - I think there's probably one ring-leader who has always sought to leave Smiler out, and over the years the others have simply gone along with it. Whether that's because it's easier than challenging the group, I don't know.

The thing I've struggled with most though, is how little the parents seem to be aware of what is going on. Of course we are beyond the age of interfering in the boys’ friendships, however when behaviour is bordering on bullying, I don’t think it matters what age a person is.

When I bump into other parents, I find it really difficult to paint on a happy face.

Over the years, I have spoken to a few of them. One friend in particular has been a real ally, and I suspect her son is more aware than most of what's been happening, and he's often quietly checked in with Smiler, including on exam results day.

Others tried to reassure me, but put it down to teenage boys just being like that. One even suggested that if I stopped worrying so much, I'd stop "manifesting" Smiler being left out. I think that was meant kindly, but it left me feeling as though what was happening to Smiler was being minimised.

They see a group of boys who've all been friends since they were five, and who relish that the boys have such a great bond.

But I'm remembering the playground, the birthday parties, and now the group chats. Individually, none of those things sound huge, but when it's the same child, over and over again, for years, it has a way of gradually chipping away at their confidence and self-esteem. It's really tricky.

Over the summer, Smiler has become friends with a couple of other boys through the golf club. They're all in his year at school, and they've spent loads of time together over the holidays. They've played golf, been to the cinema, gone shopping together, and, most importantly, they seem to genuinely enjoy hanging out with him.

They've even encouraged him to move on from his old friendship group and become part of theirs.

Watching that happen has made me realise that maybe Smiler wasn't the problem. The fact that these new boys who didn't grow up with him and have got to know him and chosen to spend time with him feels significant - they have no history, no group hierarchy, no childhood labels - they've met the fifteen-year-old version of Smiler and decided that he's fun to be around!

For the first time in many years, I'm actually not too worried about Smiler going back to school next week.

That doesn't undo the difficulties of the last ten years, and I suspect I'll always feel hurt when I think about the things he’s had to endure.

But perhaps he's finally found people who choose to be with him, and find him really good company : )