Is It PDA or ADHD? Understanding Demand Avoidance
If you've ever wondered why your child can spend four hours doing something they love, but can't just put their shoes on when you ask?, you're not alone. I've asked myself exactly the same question countless times.
With Smiler, I've sometimes wondered whether what looks like demand avoidance might actually be part of his ADHD, or whether there is something else going on. I started looking into PDA after noticing it appearing as a search term for my blog, and I've found the difference between PDA, demand avoidance and ADHD surprisingly interesting.
I'm not an expert in PDA, and I'm certainly not suggesting that Smiler has PDA. This is simply what I've noticed as a parent, and what I've learned while trying to understand the difference between “won't” and “can't”.
The Golf Course vs the Washing Basket
Smiler has only taken up golf relatively recently, but he absolutely loves it. He is driven to improve and can spend hours on the golf course working on his technique. If he's not playing with friends, he'll quite happily go by himself to practise.
He can concentrate for a surprisingly long time when he's interested in something. And yet, if I ask him to take his clean washing upstairs or ask him to take his dirty dishes to the kitchen or ask him to get started on some schoolwork, things can be very different.
Sometimes, he simply won't do it, which can be incredibly frustrating.
It has left me wondering - if he can concentrate on golf for four hours, why can't he just put his washing away?
But I'm starting to realise that there's a big difference between not wanting to do something and struggling to get started, and that's where ADHD comes into the equation.
ADHD and Task Initiation
One of the things we've noticed with Smiler is that starting a task can be much harder than actually doing it.
Schoolwork is a perfect example. Getting started can be a struggle - he can procrastinate, become distracted or be completely unable to get himself going.
But once he's actually in the groove, he can be pretty effective at studying. With the scaffolding of his ADHD medication, he is now able to study very well once he gets going.
That has helped me understand that the problem isn't necessarily that he doesn't want to do the work. Sometimes the hardest part for him is getting going.
This is one of the things I find most confusing about ADHD - a child can be perfectly capable of doing something, but still really struggle to initiate it at the moment they're being asked to do it.
It's not necessarily laziness or defiance or demand avoidance - sometimes, it's an executive function problem.
So What Is PDA?
PDA usually stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance, although people often use the term Persistent Drive for Autonomy instead.
PDA is most commonly discussed in relation to autism, and for some autistic people and families, the concept of PDA is a helpful way of describing a strong and persistent need to avoid everyday demands. Anxiety, overwhelm and a need for control can all play a part.
But demand avoidance isn't exclusive to autism - it can also be seen in people with ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence.
And that's where I started to wonder about Smiler.
Is It PDA or ADHD?
The more I've read, the more I've realised that not every “no” is necessarily demand avoidance.
With ADHD, a child might struggle with a demand because:
the task is boring or doesn't feel rewarding
they don't know where to start
they're absorbed in something else
switching between activities is difficult
they're overwhelmed or dysregulated
they simply can't generate the impetus to begin
From the outside, some of these things can look like refusal, and sometimes I think that's what we're seeing with Smiler.
When he won't take his washing upstairs, I'm not convinced he's deliberately resisting the demand. Sometimes it feels like he cannot make himself get up and do it there and then.
And then, of course, like lots of teenagers, he sometimes probably just doesn't want to! I can't always tell the difference!
This reminds me of something else we've learned about Smiler's ADHD - sometimes what looks like difficult behaviour on the surface is really a sign that he's already overwhelmed or has used up his capacity for the day. I wrote about this in more detail in my post about the ADHD “Coke Bottle Effect”.
Why Can He Focus on Golf for Hours?
ADHD doesn't mean that someone simply can't concentrate. Their attention can be very inconsistent.
Something that is interesting, rewarding or stimulating can be much easier to focus on than something boring or that is being demanded.
Golf is the perfect activity for Smiler - he loves it, he wants to improve, he gets immediate feedback and he can burn off some of the restless energy that he often has. And his enjoyment of the sport reminds me of the intense “hyperfocus” that can happen when someone with ADHD is genuinely engaged in something.
When compared with “please take your clean washing upstairs”, I can understand why getting started can feel like a completely different scenario for him!
“Won't” or “Can't”?
I don't know whether Smiler has PDA. In fact, I'm not even sure I'd describe what we see in him as PDA.
But learning about it has made me think much more carefully about what we call “demand avoidance”.
Sometimes a child really is refusing something because they don't want to do it. Sometimes they're anxious or overwhelmed. Sometimes they're struggling with an ADHD-related executive function difficulty.
For me, the important thing is that “won't” and “can't” can look remarkably similar from the outside.
We can't remove every demand from our children’s lives. But understanding what might be behind a behaviour can change how we respond to it.
With Smiler, I’m now trying to ask myself “what is making this particular thing so difficult to start?”. And asking the question has already changed the way I think about some of his behaviour.
If you've ever watched your child spend three or four hours doing something they love, only for them to somehow be completely unable to put their shoes on when you ask, maybe you've wondered the same thing.
Perhaps sometimes the answer isn't that they won't. Maybe in that moment, they just can't.